Darling, Love Yourself

This past week, has had so many ups and downs. All over the place. Honestly, the entire month of March feels like a roller coaster. My friends and I, share so many amazing things. Things to celebrate. So many birthdays. In fact, between March 15th-31st...we have a birthday to celebrate. Every. Single. Day!

But then, there are the tough days. In our family, we've lost so many people...in March. So many of those heartbreaking anniversaries. Just when you want to celebrate, you realize there is a sadness in the air. Something hoovering over your celebrations.

For me, finding that balance is tough. I'm not sure, should I celebrate my birthday? Or respect my Dad's passing. Should I go out to dinner with friends? Or stay home, because my Nanie just past away. Do I laugh? Or do I cry?

And then when I least expect it, Cowboy J comes to my rescue. My forever green eyed cowboy. With all his manners, strong arms, and soft chest to cry into. Yes, that is my friend. And on my birthday, he surprised me. 

I went to do some work at 4AM. At 5AM, he and our precious Goddaughter joined me. I thought they were 300 miles away. Nope, they stayed in town. To come have breakfast with me. My Goddaughter and I, share the same birthday. 

All I could do, was apologize. They'd been in town for about a week. With a bunch of our friends. For a Rodeo. And I never made time to meet with them. Not for dinner at my favorite restaurant. Or to just hangout. Not for the Rodeo. That my Goddaughter got to be a part of. Not for a quick snack. Or the day at the Zoo. Not for the night out dancing. Or the quick trip to the mall. 

Because I was somewhere between grief and celebrations. One minute, consumed with grief and guilt. The next crying and trying to finish up some work. And what did my friend do? Stayed an extra day. So I could see my favorite 8 year old! And share a Birthday Smoothie.

Cowboy J, also reassured me, that I was doing just fine. That all my self doubts...were just that. A self thing. Not something that others' see. Just me. That it's OK to grieve. To take time for me. "Darlin' just love yourself."

Gosh, this man just gets it. And gets me. And I swear to you, I want to be his BFF when we are old and grey. I want to be able to FaceTime him, when I'm 80 years old. Just to say Hi! And to see what kind of silly crap, he has on his phone!

You see, I'm in my mid 30s. And I'm second guessing everything. All my decisions. Things that I've done. And things that I figured, there would be time for later. Um, later...

I always assumed, by this age...I'd have it all together. I'd have a husband, about a dozen kids, a life plan. Reality is, all of that went on the back burner. My Dad insisted I needed an education. And a real career. I figured there was time for that. After school. Then he got sick. He passed. My Mom got sick. And here I am. In a state of limbo.

But something about that early morning convo, with Cowboy J...got me thinking. I'm worth it. I need to love me. Just for being me. I need to make a commitment to me. The rest will come. Or maybe it won't. But I need to love myself. 

In all honesty, I've been thinking about this for a while. I started #SelfCareSundays. At the beginning of 2018. If you follow me on Insta, then you've probably noticed. I try and set aside a couple of hours. Just for me! On Sunday Nights. 

Nothing major. Just some R&R time. After my Mom goes to bed. I make time for a long bath, a face mask, and some nail polish. But it's time for me. Maybe a good book. Or my favorite YouTubers, are part of my evening. 

More than anything, it's about making time for me. Without having the responsibilities of everyone else. I don't have to worry about cooking, laundry, if my Mom has taken her medication, if the dogs need to go outside, or work. It's just for me. Two hours to breathe deeply, relax, and take care of myself. 

And you know what? It makes me a better person. On Mondays, I feel more productive. I'm not so tired. Or grouchy. I'm happier...which probably makes me kinder. 

I hadn't thought about this, until now. But for years, I've been doing for everyone else. In a space, that isn't mine. Because my parents needed me. And I've lost a bit of myself. I've lost who I am. I've forgotten about my needs...

This also means, accepting me. For me. Not for what people think I am. I'm not obligated to anyone. I shouldn't worry or even care, what other people think. I should just be happy with me. Because God made me beautiful, and one of a kind. I need to start treating myself this way.

I was also thinking about the next few months. And the goals I have for myself. Last year, we helped a friend quite a bit. In the end, my Mom and I did it, because we wanted to. Looking back, we did a lot for someone that didn't really appreciate it. Or take into account, what it meant or cost us.

I've been wanting to get a part time job. Not ready for that "120 Hours a Week," grind. And while I do my fair share of consults, video conferencing, and teaching...I just need an easy job.

I also need to take care of my Mom. So something close to where we live. Something easy and flexible. Something I get paid for. Because all of this, driving around town for no cash business...well it doesn't pay the bills. And I'd appreciate a little more peace in my life.

I've also been wanting to take my Mom on a trip. And get back to really regular blogging and vlogging. But that all cost money. And takes time. Money and time, that I need to value more. For me, and not other people. I need to make a point, to focus on my goals. I need to start putting my needs, above others. It doesn't sound like much. But really, something like a weekend trip...can really make you feel better. Or to focus on a goal for yourself...it can bring such life to your soul.

I also kind of regret...not having a birthday party for myself. Just another way, that I don't put myself first. I had gone and contacted all of my favorite Etsy sellers. For decorations. I'd planned a menu. Done all of that. Then decided against it. Because I figured who would come? I didn't lose out on the Etsy stuff or decor...I'll be using it for a Tea Party we're planning in August. But boo! I think that would have been fun.

I'm guilty of this. For myself. Over the last 3 or so years, I've slowly cut people out of my life. People that just brought me down. That had more drama, than love. People that I couldn't trust. Whose value, actions, and morals...didn't line up with my own.

But then, I treat myself, like a second class citizen. I don't take care of myself. Don't eat well. Or take time to exercise daily. Or just be kind to myself. I need to do that. I need to set goals for myself. And really chase after them. Not be content in just "being."

I also need to continue to cut people out of my life. Who don't bring joy to mine. Yes, I enjoy helping people. But not getting, taken advantage of. Does that make sense? And I feel like, in the last year, I've let that happen. I've let other people and their goals...take over my life.

And more than anything, I have to be grateful to myself. And happy with the decisions I've made. My life might not be anywhere that I had once anticipated. But it is still pretty wonderful. 

I'm so blessed! With friends and family that love me. I enjoy our Family Girls' Nights. Even if we just sit around talking and eating. I LOVE my friends. With everything I got. I'm beyond blessed, with Goddaughters. Whose love, comforts me on my worst days. 

And most of all. I have no regrets. When it comes to my parents. I've been so honored, lucky, and blessed to care for them. During my Dad's last years...it was such a blessing. To spend the time with him. Make the memories. Just hang out. And now with my Mom, we've gotten so close. Something we weren't...before my Dad's passing. 

I'm a beautiful woman. Inside and out. Even if I don't always think I am. I am. I need to believe that. God made me unique. And that makes me special. My experiences are my own. Unique as they are. So our my life decisions. 

But these things, have made me the woman that I am. Strong. Able to stand on my own. In the darkest of times, I know I am strong enough. And in the best of times, I know I have much love to give. I just need to love myself. 

XOXO,

Desiree